Yesterday we started out outward bound journey to Wellington, New Zealand. We flew for 10 hours but got to LA 4 hours later – go figure – which makes me some kind of Time Lord. In fact, the aeroplane is just the Tardis, except in reverse, it looks massive from the outside but when you get in it, the space you’re allocated is tiny and cramped.
I am, however very lucky in that, unlike husband, I can sleep on planes. The low hum of the jet engines resonates with the empty space in my brain and lulls me into rapid and frequent patterns of deep sleep. I cannot begin to count the number of unfinished meals or unwatched movie, always eager at the outset only to find a few minutes my head slumping into the dinner on my lap or my forehead slapping the the video screen both of which have sadly involving a not insubstantial amount of drool – I’m a aeronautical narcoleptic.
I long to go back to the Golden Age of Travel when you got dressed up for your plane voyage and each journey was a luxurious, sumptuous event not a Hunger Games qualifying round with suitcases. In a time gone by there was a pudding trolley rolled along the cabin after dinner with many choices of sweet treats to help you pass your time in the air and what’s not to love about multiple puddings?
But what I want to know most of all is how other women manage these long-distance flights and skip off the plane at the end, looking fresh and unperturbed, I really admire despise them for that. Their loose but comfortable clothing is wrinkle free, slim ankles not showing the least affect of cabin pressure and their skin looks fresh and cleansed. I on the other hand lumber out of the plane with my hair standing up on end, sallow skinned, sleep creases from the chair down one side of my face and clothes looking like I’ve slept in them, which of course I have. It’s a delightful look I have cultivated for myself and I call it ‘the psycho vagrant look’, I’m not convinced it will catch on but I might have a word with Vivienne Westwood to see if she’d like to develop it for her Spring/Summer 2019 collection.
So to all the NZ Customs officials, when I land on Thursday morning, please don’t be perturbed by my outward appearance I’m really quite nice when you get to know me and I think me and New Zealand are going to have a fantastic adventure together. In the meantime it’s a day in LA and another 15 hours flying time, without the pudding trolley *sob*