Menopause & Death


Is not the name of a thrash metal band – although it would be a good one, available to the highest bidder – but more a summation of what I’ve got to look forward to.   I’m not normally the type of person who wallows in pathos but this weather…

Grey omnipresent skies, rain like splinters and strong biting winds are the reason for me unhappiness and gloomy out look.  I’ve been woken every day this week by the rain hitting the bedroom window giving me just a little taster of what’s to come for the rest of the day – more grey, more rain, and more miserable weather.

Even the girls have refused to leave the sanctuary of their beds for a walk round the block, the jangling of the leads being met by a selective deafness.    I sympathise and if I could treat my alarm clock with the same aural disdain I would.

Holly took my bed at the mere mention of walk!

I’m pulling out all the stops to try to lift my mood, the vampish red lipstick has become a make-up must and the bronzing powder has been given a good hammering.  I may need to slow down in this regard as I’m concerned that my slightly bronzed orange appearance may mistakenly indicate I’m related to another tangerine tinted someone!  The wardrobe has been given a shake and I’m dressing in my brightest colours in an attempt to lift my spirits, I charge around looking like Miss Pac man – a dot of colour on a black background.  Worryingly the height to weight ratio may be similar too, another downside of winter the constant need for pies, pastry and mashed potatoes, after husband I think carbs may be my soul mate.

John Clare the outstanding poet and naturalist describes the beauty of both January and February with such detail and love, I’m shamed and embarrassed that I cannot see the gloriousness around me, all I can see is rain.

However for all my whining and self-absorption I realise that if this weather is getting me down, how awful must it be for the homeless.  I cannot imagine trying to keep warm and dry in such grim conditions without the luxury of being able to make a cup of tea  whenever  you  want and I appreciate just how damn lucky I am.


What’s in a name?


Since coming to UK from South Africa in 2010 I have noticed that there is a marked difference between the two countries in how we name our furry friends.  South Africans give their dogs traditional ‘dog’ names, like Bella, Patch, Spot and Lady whereas here in the UK the dogs are given human names and I wonder if this is because quite often the dog is a child substitute.   For instance on my dog walks  I have met Mavis, Duncan, Kevin, Eddie, Edith, Dave and only yesterday a very bouncy Labrador called Mabel – whose antics both infuriated and terrified my two.

My own girlies have been named after female movie icons, Betty the border collie named after Betty Grable because of her lovely long legs, both my puppy and the actress.  Then came Rita whose namesake was the indomitable Miss Hayworth, both being gorgeous red heads.

Rita at 10 weeks old.


My greyhound  had to skip the trend slightly, I wanted to called her Audrey in honour of the slim and elfin Miss Hepburn both creatures of beauty possessing swan like necks and enormous brown doe eyes, how could she not be?  Husband however put his foot down and flatly refused saying “if you think I’m running around the park shouting Audrey, Audrey come here, you are seriously mistaken, people will look at me and think I’m not right.”  There was absolutely no budging him, not even with the usual bribes, inducements offered.

In the end we settled on Holly because that was Audrey’s character name in Breakfast at Tiffany’s and as she was a rescue we had no idea how old she was when we got her but the vet reckoned she was born in the previous December.  So Holly it is, our Christmas ‘Film’ Star.

On the way home after a long walk

Whatever your furry friend is called –  we wish you all a very Happy 2017 full of walks, cuddles and that ever-growing mutual love and affection felt between a dog and its owner or as it’s know in our house; between dogs and their human slaves.

Last Christmas … I was already bored of the song


For over 30 years I have been celebrating Christmas with Wham serving as a musical backdrop.  I’ve been listening to it for so long I remember when George Michael was straight, in fact I’m not sure I’ve recovered from his homosexuality; all those wasted teenage fantasies. Looking back the clues were all there but Wham were presented as the perfect Christmas gift and what teenage girl was going to refuse such a decorative package.

But, contrary to popular belief you actually can have too much of a good thing and as the sleigh bell intro starts my nerves start to jangle in harmony.  And it’s not just Wham is it, let us be honest we resurrect the same old Christmas tunes year after year, Slade and Wizard still on the revolving Christmas playlist which seems to feature no more than 20 songs.  Thank goodness for the timely arrival  of Mr Michael Buble who was easy on the eye and able to inject some new blood into this decrepit musical market.

To all you bands out there please start recording some decent Christmas tunes because if I have to listen to last Christmas once more it may very well be my LAST Christmas.

And just in case you’ve forgotten the video, click below for Camp Christmas Capers.

Self Help – Where to From Here?


The world of self-help books is growing at approximately 5% per year and in 2014 the industry was worth $11 billion in the US alone.  It proved to be recession proof with sales showing no abating either in the UK or US during the bank crashes or the turbulent times thereafter, but probably this is when they were needed the most.  Not unlike what has occurred over the past few weeks and I’m sure there will be another spike in sales to marry up with Trump Presidency fiasco.

They cover many categories and whilst dysfunctional relationships are the bread and butter of self-help they are by no means the preserve of the sad single female looking to draw Mr Mediocre into her web of white wedding and ordinary ever after.

The titles are as varied as the advice they offer Women Who Think Too Much, It’s called a break-up because it’s broken, Ignore the Guy; Get the Guy, Who Moved My Cheese,  How to poo on a date, How to get a nun into bed (is this guy for real, self published naturally), Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and my personal favourite How to Manage Your Dick and its Destructive impulses; a kindle favourite I would imagine, not one for Waterstones.

There is no shortage on how to find your inner happy whether it’s by controlling comfort eating, putting away the bottle, saying NO, saying YES, healing your life or getting the life you really want to live.  The advice flows in torrents as it appears that there is no ailment or relationship that doesn’t have a self-help book to accompany it. If you’re a lover, parent, husband or wife, sibling or child there is danger and damage highlighted at every turn, every conversation to be analysed in-depth or regurgitated for a future misery memoir, no act of kindness or otherwise to go without dissection – quite frankly it scares the hell out of me.

And whilst I like to believe all these books are well-intentioned they do come along with a mind-boggling amount of instructions that need to be followed in order to unveil your happy and successful inner self.  They usually start with filling out lists, analysing key words and committing to the guidelines on a daily basis.  I say guidelines but swap it with doctrine and it wouldn’t be out of place, disobey at your peril.  Here I am back at Trump Presidency again…

Take The Rules for example this self helper guaranteed women true love and a marriage proposal in 12 months if followed exactly or your virginity back.  As you can imagine it caused a lot of controversy not least because it appeared to put back the women’s movement back by about 50 years, by advising against returning phone calls and not talking too much – that’s me screwed!

Despite their ongoing popularity self-help books do not offer an instant remedy or impeachment to your particular problem and in order for them to be objective you need to work at it.   But in today’s world of chaotic lifestyles and instant gratification it feels like we need a book telling us how to even begin a programme of self-improvement.

And if you’re wondering if such a book exists, it does.  It’s called ‘Get Your Shit Together’ and is selling like hot cakes!

50 Shades of Grey

Last night when padding into the bathroom to proceed with monthly hair-colouring ritual – armed with the survival kit comprising black towel, black flannel and dust sheet for the floor, I have previous – I realised that I have been colouring my hair for 35 years.


It started innocently at the age of 14 with a Clairol Glints – a little mahogany here, some chestnut there and before long I was hooked, moving on from semi-permanent colours until I reached the zenith – permanent hair colour, staining bathroom suites, cabinets and walls as I went.

On leaving school at 16 I bleached my shoulder length hair and dyed it bright pink, with a cyclamen Crazy Colour thereby rocking a head of candy floss coloured tresses.  My Father saw it, narrowly avoided swallowing his tongue and offered to pay for me to have it dyed back to its natural colour.  Like any insolent teenage I was astounded;  ‘why on earth would I want to do that when in my mind I looked like a funky mermaid’, unsurprisingly Pater didn’t agree and I’m not convinced he’s ever got over it.  It was a watershed moment, from thereon my hair colour changed as rapidly as the English weather, jet black with a fetching yellow and red undercut, orange, aubergine, platinum blonde you name it I’ve dyed it.  Top tip; blue looks terrible, avoid at all costs rather buy a wig from Claire’s.

Admittedly there have been a few mishaps along the way, going from blonde to black with a green based dye left me with a khaki coloured thatch, and platinum to red meant that the end result was hi-vis orange!  And let’s not forget the time I’d gone from blonde to black, (I’m starting to see a trend here), and my hair was a lilac purple mash-up.   Met a nice fella at a club and he offered to take my coat and wait for me in the foyer to give me a lift home.  Told him about the hair incident, low lighting hiding a multitude of sins and he assured me he didn’t care.  Until that was I walked into a fully lit foyer when he exclaimed ‘fuck me it’s purple’ threw my coat at me and ran out the door into the night and never  seen again.

I blame their descriptions, the beguiling names are too much for me to resist, this month I am Mystic Violet – as yet unable to see into the future or read auras but that may come soon.  For my entire adolescent and adult life I’ve been colouring my hair and now that large sections of it are going rapidly grey I’ve realised I have absolutely no idea what my natural colour was, and it’s a bit too late to find out.  What worries me more is that as I fall into my 50’s I will end up looking like Mrs Slocombe!



The Great British Holiday

The Lake District – Day 1

We have just taken out my furry friends out to make wees at 10.20pm, it is still light.  Not, get your book and sit on a lounger light but no need for a torch with dusk hovering in the near distance.

Day 2

This morning they woke us to go out and again it was light.  Dutifully I pulled on a jersey, lassoed them up and took them out to do their business.  On getting back to the cottage I checked my watch – 4.37am!  The last time I saw 4.37 I was coming home from a long night out and even then it wasn’t light.  Does the sun never set in the Lake District?  Yesterday as we drove up hill and across fell we joked that we could be in Mordor looking at this dramatic and slightly sinister landscape; now I’m not so sure it was a joke, as if we’ve travelled to a parallel universe and it only took 6 hours in a Kia.

Day 3

This holiday is the first time we have taken the girls, and it comes with own set of pros and cons.  Whilst it’s lovely having them around and stops those sighs of ‘wonder how they are’ it does mean that we are unable to eat out at restaurants and enjoy long boozy suppers.  We are confined to more progressive tea rooms and pubs.  However they were the perfect foil for husband not being able to wonder around the Beatrix Potter exhibition and likewise have saved me from being dragged into every outdoor shop the Lake District has to offer.  You do however have to consider their routines when away and whilst they seem quite settled in their new house both are suffering from holiday constipation.  As a sufferer myself I can sympathise, I didn’t think that leaving the familiarity of their own tried and tested walking routes would create such an affliction, I was wrong.  Today husband and I have walked the girls up and down the fells in the pouring rain trying to spur on a poop.   Fellow dog owners will understand that you take great interest in your dog’s bowel movements and have no compunction in discussing them with not only your partner but any fellow dog walker and I would have used today to gather some useful research material.  However on the fells there were no walkers to share the constipation with, only one very wet, bad tempered husband.

lake district rain

Day 4

I never thought I would be lighting log fires every evening on my holiday, did I tell you this is my summer holiday.  All I can think is that when the sun shines this must be God’s own country, day 4 and I’ve yet to see it.  Today the rain has followed us relentlessly, wherever we drove, the rain followed like a wet stalker. We have spent more time in the car parks than the parks themselves, but what’s a UK holiday without doing a crossword in the car with the rain beating down.  I know now why I have eschewed English holidays previously in favour of hotter climes, the meteorological unpredictability.

Day 5

Hallelujah the sun is shining!  We scurry outside to feel the sun on our faces and muzzles.  The girls go crazy charging up and down the track unencumbered by sideways travelling train.  We bundle in  the car and  go sight-seeing.  As suspected when the sun shines it is truly spectacular and we are in awe of the aquamarine lakes, and rich emerald forestry that surround them.  We spend the entire day travelling to lakes and parks, each one outdoing the previous for its beauty and enchantment.  We arrive back 12 hours later, exhausted, exhilarated and desperate for a lie down.

lake district sun

Day 6

Woken by the rain drumming on the roof and a dog grizzling to go outside in the drencher.  I clamber into wellies and my waterproof when the dog decides that the holiday constipation issues are over with explosive style.  Rain is running down my back and both dog and I are looking pretty unimpressed with the mornings proceedings.  And whilst the dog continues to off load  and looks apologetically at me, I get wetter and colder and understand why for 30 years I have eschewed the beautiful British Isles for sunnier climes.

After what feels like an age the dog and I paddle back to the cottage and within 10 minutes I’ve booked next year’s holiday – 10 days in Sardinia, expected average temperate 32 degrees; Lake District you are truly magnificent but I need sun!

Facing Fifty & Frightened

I am 49 in less than a week, and after that I will then be standing on the precipice of 50, and quite frankly it frightens me.  In fact I am terrified.


Because I can’t see it as a personal milestone, it’s more like a testament to my uselessness.

Let’s be honest I can hardly imagine Madame Curie saying to Pierre, “If only I’d studied harder and been a little more resourceful.”  Or Mr Nelson Mandela turning to Graca Machel and lamenting  “Wish I’d done more for the people of South Africa and made a greater impact on humanity.”  Dr Jane Goodall hardly turned 50 thinking that she was a wastrel and needed to look for a purpose, nor did Mother Teresa wish she’d made more of an effort.  In short all these people had drive, determination, and passion; something which I am lacking in spades.

And let me not think of amazingly talented and dedicated people like Billie Holliday, Martin Luther King or Ayrton Senna who were not fortunate enough to make it to 50 and reach their magnificent potential.

Looking back I realise I have spent the last 48 years in abject apathy like a sloth with an attitude problem.

This is not a vanity issue. I didn’t realise ‘she’s got a great personality’ was a euphemism until my late 20’s.  I was under the impression that it was a compliment and delighted by the fact that people thought me funny and vivacious not realising it didn’t mean that, in fact it wasn’t very flattering at all.  So it is not a case of concern over fading looks, more like the realisation of a listless lifestyle and squandered years.

I have 12 months to make amends by atoning for the previous 588 lacklustre ones, and I’ve got no idea of where to start.  Hitting half a century has generated more questions than answers.

It may be time to hit the library’s Self Help section.   If anyone knows of a self help book entitled ‘How to get off your arse and make something of your life’ please send me the ISBN – I’d be ever so grateful.

photo credit: <a href=”″>On the Edge</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>(license)</a&gt;